I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
