We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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