I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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