Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You ate ashes out of my bong
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