hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
