So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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