She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
