Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
