if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
