Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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