dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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