his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
