paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
