Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What drink are we having for lunch?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
