Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
