Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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