I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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