I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
