i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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