Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
