wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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