you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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