I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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