You can't special order awesome
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
