Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
