there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize