I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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