I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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