I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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