You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
