I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
soo... how was my night?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
