just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
