i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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