I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize