I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So much rum. So many feels.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
