the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
