just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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