dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
