I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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