She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
