how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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