Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
