Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
