Porn is love you can see.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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