the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize