I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
