I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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