i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
