fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize