I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
