I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
