Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
