Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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