I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
