I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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